I am no psychologist, spiritual leader, or expert. But one thing I can confirm is that I have lived, and I am living. I have believed in people—both those who were worth the investment and those who were not. I have made friends, fallen out with them, and met individuals I will love forever. Conversely, I have met others I will run away from until my legs give out.
The Bible says the heart of man is desperately wicked, implying that our "baseline" is often rooted in selfishness. However, there are those who choose to live above that baseline—those who strive to be the exception. While no one is perfect, I have chosen to surround myself with the "imperfects" who are actively striving for better.
It isn't just about labeling people; it's about deciding where you stop wasting your emotional resources. Here is my personal guide on the circles you should withdraw from to protect your peace.
1. Those Without Grace for Others
I have been accused of being naive because I am the person who will get burned over and over before finally saying "enough." But my mindset is simple: I know your baseline might be flawed, but I want to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Giving grace isn’t about being a carpet for people to walk on; it’s about choosing not to trash a relationship at the first sign of a fracture. My mother used to say, "He who sups with the devil must use a long spoon." I’ve adopted this as my philosophy for grace. If we usually eat with a five-inch spoon, every time you break my trust, that spoon gets longer. I am still giving you the benefit of the doubt, but the distance between us is increasing.
Eventually, there comes a point where the spoon is so long we are no longer eating at the same table. According to psychological studies on interpersonal grace, this balance of kindness and boundary-setting is essential for mental health.
2. The Violent
Violence is not always a physical blow; it is a temperament that lacks control. I stay away from people who see force as their first language. Whether it is a raised hand or a destructive rage that shatters the environment, violence is a sign that a person has not yet learned to master the baseline of human impulse.
When you are around a violent person, you are constantly walking on eggshells, waiting for the explosion. This creates a state of chronic stress that is incompatible with a healthy life. Organizations like the WHO emphasize that safety is a fundamental human right, and that includes your social circle.
3. The Intentional Burners
There are people who know exactly where your soft spots are and choose to press them. If you put a hot coal on my skin, it’s going to burn. But these people don't just drop the coal—they pick it up and twist it into your skin, knowing full well the damage they are causing.
When someone intentionally uses your vulnerabilities to wound you, they are not "friends" who made a mistake; they are architects of pain. If you find yourself in a cycle of emotional or mental abuse, the only healthy response is to run away.
4. The Subtle "Browbeaters"
We often think of bullies as people who use physical force or loud threats. As we grow older, bullying becomes more sophisticated. It hides in subtle downgrades, backhanded compliments, and "jokes" designed to chip away at your confidence.
These subtle bullies don't always hide behind a screen; they are in your offices and social circles. They use passive-aggressive tactics to dominate and intimidate. Experts suggest that identifying passive-aggressive patterns early is key to protecting your self-esteem.
5. The "Testimony" Reducers
I believe wins and testimonies aren’t just meant to be shared—they are meant to be celebrated like a cup overflowing. I am the friend who puts my people on a pedestal and hosts the lunch to celebrate their wins.
But there are others who, when you share your win, make it sound small. They act like it’s "not that special." I have zero tolerance for this. When I realize I’m not getting that energy back, I simply withdraw. I stop wasting my resources on those who cannot celebrate my light.
6. The Calculated Liars
We’ve all told lies out of fear of judgment, especially when we were younger. But there is a level of lying that feels like alcohol poured into your eyes.
It’s the "protected lie"—the one told purely to save their own skin, even when the proof is sitting right there. When someone can look at a white wall and tell you it’s black, they are showing you that they live in a reality where the truth is disposable. This is a massive red flag for relationship reliability.
7. Those Without the Fear of God
The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. When a person lacks this basic moral compass, they become a walking disaster waiting to happen. If someone doesn't have a sense of accountability to a higher power or a set of unshakeable spiritual principles, they are unpredictable.
A person without the fear of God has no internal "brake" to restrain the baseline wickedness of the heart. You cannot truly trust someone who doesn't believe they are accountable to anything greater than their own desires.
8. Those Who Fail to Protect the Vulnerable
If you encounter someone who sees a child or a vulnerable person in danger and chooses to stay silent or do nothing, stay away from them. This is a character flaw that is not just scary, it is inhuman.
A "normal" person shows vulnerability toward animal cruelty; how can a human being see an unprotected child and not feel an ounce of desire to shade them from pain? There is zero excuse for such behavior. My faith is clear on this: Proverbs 31:8 commands us to "Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute." Furthermore, Psalm 127:3 reminds us that children are a heritage from the Lord, a reward to be cherished and guarded.
Protecting the innocent is a fundamental human duty. As UNICEF argues, the protection of children is a collective responsibility. If a person can witness a potential disaster for a child and remain indifferent, they have no place in a trusted inner circle.
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